ENVY: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Diamond Mask
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an ENVY unit! With this guide, you can learn how to care for and love your very own Transforming Homunculus!


**ENVY: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

**Disclaimer:** This authoress does not own _Fullmetal Alchemist_ or any of the respective characters. _The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual_ series format belongs to Theresa Green.

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**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of an ENVY unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Homunculus, read the following manual with care, as misuse of the ENVY will prove hazardous to your health.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Envy (AKA the Jealousy Homunculus or the Monster Envy. Will respond to "Envy-san", but can also be programmed to respond to pet names such as "my cutie patootie", "babycake" and "honeybun")

Age: What does age matter when you have a unit that will remain youthful and cute for eternity?

Place of Manufacture: Lil' Homunculi Babies, Homicidal Cuties Division.

Height: Varies.

Weight: Varies.

Length: Whatever you want, baby.

**Your ENVY comes with the following accessories:**

One Black Headband with Red Triangle Symbol

One Black Crop-Top (_complete with red markings on back_)

One Pair Black Hotpants (_with skirt flap_)

One Pair Black Wristbands

One Pair Black Legwarmers

One Tattoo of Ouroboros©

One Thong (_optional_)

Please note that the Tattoo of Ouroboros© accessory must be applied to your unit within twenty-four hours of opening the box, or the ENVY will be unable to use any of his Homunculi abilities. Also note that this tattoo is permanent, and we advise that you stick it on his left thigh to get the best results. We understand how tempting it is to stick it somewhere odd like his bellybutton, but this is not recommended (_see FAQ for further details_).

**Removing your ENVY from his box**

Getting an ENVY unit out of the box is a tricky job, but if you follow our instructions exactly, you should be able to make it through the process relatively unscathed.

As you approach the box, you should hear rustling noises coming from inside. This is completely normal your ENVY is only trying to get out. Use one hand to slit the cardboard open, and keep the other hand free – you will need it to hold your new unit down. When the ENVY realises that the box is open, he will attempt to escape, but grab him by the hair to keep him in place. He will then change into all kinds of horrifying and disgusting creatures, and try to Death Glare© you into submission. Hold your ground and without showing any fear, firmly tell the ENVY that you are now his owner. He should accept your authority once you give his hair a few pointed tugs.

You may notice that your ENVY has a rather feminine appearance, and while he can easily be mistaken for a girl, this is not an excuse to dress him up in pretty little dresses and put ribbons in his hair – it is the reason many owners have not survived past a first anniversary with their ENVY units. Control your cross-dressing urges, and you should be able to enjoy a rewarding, happy relationship with your ENVY!

**Programming**

Your ENVY will have been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:

Body Double: Ever wanted to be in two places at once? With the aid of an ENVY unit, now you can! This androgynous cutie is perfectly capable of transforming into your exact image, and will take your place for as long as you want.

**WARNING**: ENVY units are known for being sneaky. Until you are sure you can trust him, it might be a good idea to put off doing anything that will endanger your social life and self-respect, and stick to using the transformation function for avoiding chores. Similarly, the manufacturers are not responsible for any crimes that the ENVY unit might commit while in the guise of its owner or any other persons.

Dancer: As you may have noticed, the ENVY unit is very flexible and can do amazing things with his feet, which makes him a natural dancer. After a few hours of watching MTV, the ENVY is guaranteed to be the life of the party and it only takes one shake of his tush to spice up any social gathering!

Avenger: The ENVY unit has the memory of an elephant, and never _ever_ forgets a grudge. As long as your unit knows that you have been wronged, he will never relent until the culprit has experienced a momentous amount of pain, grovelled on their knees before you or had the shit killed out of them.

Decorative Ornament: Is the sitting room looking a little bare? Does the patio need a little sprucing up? Simply stick your ENVY in a pretty container with a little soil and voila! Instant pot plant! The ENVY also does a pretty mean imitation of a miniature palm tree, and will not protest against squatting in a pot and being covered in soil for hours and hours if programmed correctly. Remember, it is essential that you water him regularly when using this function, because if his hair dries out, there will be hell to pay.

**Your ENVY will come in the following modes:**

Cocky Son of a Homunculus (_default_)

Angst

Sardonic

Resentful (_default_)

Homicidal

Slash

Out of Character (_locked_)

ENVY units become jealous very quickly, and will demand your full attention at all times. If they suspect that you love any other unit more, you might as well say goodbye to it, because ENVY units never forgive and forget – and if you try and protest, your ENVY may just decide you need to go to!

To unlock his Out of Character mode, simply force your unit to be completely unselfish for one whole day. That should break him and allow you to program all those deliciously naughty functions and modes detailed in fanfiction and doujinshi.

**Relations with Other Units**

EDWARD ELRIC: The only thing your ENVY has in common with this pint-sized alchemist is that they both hate their father units, the LIGHT HOHENHEIM. Putting these excitable units together will only produce busted furniture, bruises and two very tired boys. Putting these two together in Slash mode will also produce busted furniture, bruises (concentrated on the neck and shoulder areas) and two very tired, but very happy boys (see any M-rated Envy/Ed fanfiction or doujinshi for further details).

LIGHT HOHENHEIM: ENVY units will constantly bitch and angst about their fathers, driving you up the wall with their bitter rants and repeated attempts to murder all HOHENHEIM units. Yes, the HOHENHEIM abandoned him. Yes, the HOHENHEIM does love the EDWARD ELRIC and the ALPHONSE ELRIC more. You can sympathise with these bouts of angst or tell him to shut the fuck up.

DANTE: This body-hopping alchemist was the mother of the ENVY, before he was reborn as a Homunculus. Now, he spends his time chasing and manipulating alchemists for her, instead of dedicating himself to more important endeavours like furthering his dancing career.

MAES HUGHES: Only the most cruel, sadistic and heartless of human beings will place a MAES HUGHES and an ENVY in the same household. The editor of this manual will not elaborate because she is still undergoing therapy for what her beloved ENVY did.

WRATH: A smaller, angrier version of the ENVY. Even though this moody little guy is capable of using alchemy (a 'gift' from the EDWARD ELRIC) he spends most of his time crying for his mommy and angsting. He loosens up in typical Homunculi fashion when an ENVY feeds him Red Stones©, becoming more enraged and psychotic like a good little Homunculus.

GREED: Your ENVY will have a very hostile attitude towards any GREED, since all GREED units tend to be faithful to their own desires and think they owe the DANTE no allegiance. But we suspect that the ENVY is just jealous because the GREED has manly sex appeal, and all he has is a creepy 'kawaai' factor.

HOMUNCULUS PLAYSET: (also includes WRATH and GREED units). This special package consists of the LUST, GLUTTONY, SLOTH and PRIDE units. Some of the Homunculi tend to be rather unstable, so it might be a good idea to have them play together in the backyard. If they happen (or try) to kill each other during playtime, separate the guilty ones and put them in Time Out until they calm down.

**Cleaning**

ENVY units are perfectly capable of bathing themselves, but they appreciate some attention, particularly with their hair. They will enjoy having their wild manes washed, dried and brushed, and can even be persuaded to return the favour!

**Feeding**

To maintain his slim physique, the ENVY will require a healthy balanced diet, with plenty of leafy green vegetables to ensure that his hair remains shiny, manageable and green. But the ENVY will not protest against being indulged, and a few sweets now and then might improve his disposition. Note: your ENVY will be most upset if another unit gets more/better sweets than he does, so it would be a good idea to give out equal portions to prevent unnecessary bloodshed.

**Rest**

Being a pot plant can be quite exhausting, so your ENVY will need plenty of rest, soft pillows and fluffy blankets to make himself comfortable, so he can begin his day fresh as a daisy (no pun intended). **Caution**: ENVY units have possessive natures, and he will insist on sleeping in your bed every night to keep an eye on you. While you might not complain, your spouse/partner may not want to share you, and neither will the ENVY. If you are involved in a non-unit relationship (because fooling around with a ROY MUSTANG does not count), prevent your ENVY from flying into a jealous rage by sleeping in the middle or persuading the ENVY to become romantically involved with another unit.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: When I let my ENVY out of his box, I stuck the Tattoo of Ouroboros© on his butt for a laugh. But now his behaviour is really starting to freak me out: he refuses to wear anything else but a trenchcoat and runs around the neighbourhood, flashing any unit he can find!

A: By sticking the Tattoo of Ouroboros© on his butt, you unlocked his hidden Pervert mode. You are an idiot. No amount of reprogramming can fix him, so you might as well chuck him in the nearest dumpster, buy another one, and start over. If you don't want the problem to resurface, we advise buying a unit resistant to the Pervert mode, such as the ALPHONSE ELRIC or a SCAR.

Q: My ENVY keeps on using his transformation ability to seduce other units, and the neighbours are starting to complain! Is promiscuity one of his natural modes, or is he just defective? Um, I think it might be because I stuck the Tattoo of Ouroboros© on his chest… well, over his left nipple actually…

A: Oh god, not another one. When we say stick it on his left thigh, we mean _stick it on his left thigh_. Using the Tattoo of Ouroboros© anywhere else on his body causes the ENVY to malfunction or revert to hidden, more dangerous modes, that are locked for a reason. Fortunately, the Promiscuous mode is less dangerous than the Pervert mode, and easy to solve: sit your ENVY down and explain to him that he might catch a virus from sleeping around with other units (this can actually happen with units, seriously). This should scare him enough to revert back to his usual modes, but buy an EDWARD ELRIC and teach your ENVY the benefits of a safe, stable and strictly two-man relationship.

Q: I always make a point of keeping my ENVY in good condition, but whenever I try to trim his hair, he goes berserk and accuses me of wanting to maim his adorable form! What can I do? His split ends are starting to look so bad, I'm embarrassed to be seen with him in public!

A: Aw, it seems that your ENVY believes you want to cut all his precious hair off! Seriously, how could he get any cuter? Okay, there are many ways that can happen, but still.

To make haircuts a less traumatic experience for you and your ENVY, feed him a spiked chocolate or knock him unconscious. While he is unable to fight you off, wash his hair and give it a trim. **Caution**: be careful not to cut off too much hair. Your ENVY is capable of inflicting serious body damage if he decides that you have ruined his hair.

Q: It always made me feel special when my ENVY was possessive – at least until he started acting like some psycho stalker. Now, he follows me wherever I go, and beats up anyone who so much as looks in my direction. I tried to get rid of him by kicking him out of the house, and even bought an ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG for protection, but he refuses to leave me alone!

A: Uh-oh. Encouraging his psychotic tendencies was about the worst thing you could have done when it comes to the ENVY. Now that the unit is in full Stalker mode (the unfortunate but unavoidable by-product of his Jealousy programming), he can never be reprogrammed, even in Out of Character mode. Getting him fixated on another unit is a possible solution, but someone is bound to complain if your ENVY stalks their EDWARD ELRIC. A more practical solution is to dispose of him by borrowing a GLUTTONY, but if that seems too brutal and heartless for you, pack your bags and move to the farthest corner of the world where (hopefully) the ENVY will never find you.

Q: My ENVY keeps transforming into the people who scare me the most on purpose! How do I get him to stop intimidating me?

A: It sounds like your ENVY has absolutely no respect for you. Unfortunately, this is not unusual, and gaining it is more difficult than persuading an EDWARD ELRIC to drink milk. You can try explaining to him that his behaviour scares you, but he will probably laugh in your face and promptly terrify you again. Actually, there is little you can do (within the realm of human capability) that will impress the ENVY and earn his respect. Try to earn his affection by giving him an EDWARD ELRIC as a present, or intimidate him by buying a GLUTTONY – the threat of being eaten alive is enough to keep even him in line.

**WARNING**: Do not attempt to earn the respect of your ENVY by disposing of a LIGHT HOHENHEIM in front of him. He will kill you for depriving him of the opportunity.

Q: My ENVY can be the sweetest thing one minute, and an angry, sulking bastard the next. What the hell is wrong with him? Has he got permanent PMS or something?

A: The first thing you should know is that the ENVY does not, and can never, have PMS. He is a male, a testosterone-fuelled _boy_. If you have been raising your ENVY as a girl, we suggest that you get your eyes checked (and if the ENVY was the one to think of itself as a girl first, book an emergency appointment with a technician).

The second thing you should know is that mood swings, even the extreme ones bordering on schizophrenia, are not uncommon in ENVY units. In fact, the ENVY would not be an ENVY without them. Our advice is to hang in there and treasure every second of his good moments, but if it gets worse, get stuck into his Out of Character mode and get reprogramming. Alternatively, dispose of him and buy the sweet-natured ALPHONSE ELRIC, who will drive you to joyous tears with his kind and lovable personality.

Q: I want my ENVY to fall in love!

A: ENVY units don't fall in love. They just have sex. With EDWARD ELRIC units.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your ENVY keeps kicking you in the face.

Solution: Make a habit of kicking him in the face when he least expects it. After a few well-timed kicks (i.e. at four in the morning), the ENVY should get the message that his behaviour is not appreciated. If he then decides to kick back harder, purchase a unit that will kick his ass into submission.

Problem: You have tried to breed your ENVY with a female unit multiple times, but he keeps killing them.

Solution: Well, the problem lies in the fact that you are trying to breed him with a female unit. Homunculi are generally very touchy about freedom of choice, so to solve all your breeding related woes, allow your ENVY to choose his own male partner. Once he has selected a suitable mate, force both units into their Out of Character modes, and install the _Special Fangirl Version: Male Pregnancy_© upgrade. Within nine months, and depending on who your ENVY bred with, you should have little Homunculi/Alchemists with wild, spiky locks bouncing around your house!

**Final Note**

With much love and care, your ENVY will grow up to be a fine, upstanding young gentleman with a heart of gold and the face of an angel – except, not really. He will probably annoy you to death with all his bitching and possessiveness. But the ENVY is a Certified Bishonen© and will linger for many years to protect and serve your descendents. Reward him by ensuring that he is well looked after by a responsible family member in your will.


End file.
